Sometimes i feel sorry for myself.

dont you ever wish that you were just born in another family
or that you had no family at all and that you were adopted
or that you lived ina children's home like tracy beaker?

i knw its sad, but you cant believe how many times i wish, or even prayed for that to happen or even be true.

i'm not going to vomit my personal life affairs online as it would be disrespectful to my family.. i knw. but sometimes you just need someone to talk to, some to understand, not even, just to listen to you. sometimes its hard to just carry on doing what you we doing without stopping and thinking.

ive been in a middle of an abusive relationship fo 19 years on my life. i say in the middle because i'm just a sort of spectator,devider, i'm always present but my actiona count to nothing, in both parts. yes my parents are african, its common, i'm not acting the victim here, but even though its common for africans to argue a ;lot, its not common for a couple now ogether for 20 years to fight near and sometimes to physical contact every single day, holidays included, especially on days such as christmas days, easter, family outings and when visitors are around. its not common for a woman to disrespect her husband, talk , talk, talk even when her husband has threatened her multiple times . its not normal for a man to break all glass furniture including mirrors, phorframes, mugs, cups and tables ( yes, tables, plural).

i dont know how much more of it i can take.

its ok when i'm in nottingham, i miss having my amily around.

now i'm here i just want to disappear.

i cant wait to go back to nottingham and not come back until its necessary.

i just pity my sister and my brothers who still have many years of this ahead of them... at least they had each other ... i had no one.

sometimes i feel sorry for myself.