Sometimes i feel sorry for myself.

dont you ever wish that you were just born in another family
or that you had no family at all and that you were adopted
or that you lived ina children's home like tracy beaker?

i knw its sad, but you cant believe how many times i wish, or even prayed for that to happen or even be true.

i'm not going to vomit my personal life affairs online as it would be disrespectful to my family.. i knw. but sometimes you just need someone to talk to, some to understand, not even, just to listen to you. sometimes its hard to just carry on doing what you we doing without stopping and thinking.

ive been in a middle of an abusive relationship fo 19 years on my life. i say in the middle because i'm just a sort of spectator,devider, i'm always present but my actiona count to nothing, in both parts. yes my parents are african, its common, i'm not acting the victim here, but even though its common for africans to argue a ;lot, its not common for a couple now ogether for 20 years to fight near and sometimes to physical contact every single day, holidays included, especially on days such as christmas days, easter, family outings and when visitors are around. its not common for a woman to disrespect her husband, talk , talk, talk even when her husband has threatened her multiple times . its not normal for a man to break all glass furniture including mirrors, phorframes, mugs, cups and tables ( yes, tables, plural).

i dont know how much more of it i can take.

its ok when i'm in nottingham, i miss having my amily around.

now i'm here i just want to disappear.

i cant wait to go back to nottingham and not come back until its necessary.

i just pity my sister and my brothers who still have many years of this ahead of them... at least they had each other ... i had no one.

sometimes i feel sorry for myself.

using the charger too keep my heart from freezing

procastinating as usual...lol, i need to start doing work and i assure you i will... just as soon as i finish this post :P

i have decided i wont be going on an april field trip to either cube nor japan as they r very expensive and i dont have the money readily available with me, instead i decided to focus totally on my universitas 21 application to National University of Singapore.. i hope i get in, i really wanna go there now, even if its really daunting... 6 months in a differnt country and continent, plus apparently its really hard down there, but still i just really wanna experience it!

so for this summer i have 3 option ( for now) 1 is it get a work placemnet with a architect here in london ...2 to save money and go to Nigeria and stay there for a bit ... 3 to go to italy , strangely the latest which would have been my favourite option just a few months ago is now my least favourite, i dont think italy has much more to offer than it already has done, i'm not sure what i would do if i go there... i mean yh its fun but its not meaningful.

somethign else i'd like to do this summer would be go to volunteer in africa or go camping all summer maybe in the uk but like all the way through the summer. i just wish anyone would like to do that with me, its cheap, its fun, its safe, i mean like a month circulating the national parks like 1 week in peak district, 1 in lake district, 1 in yorkshire dales, 1 in black mountains,1 in i dunno i would just love it!!!!!!!

i fell like i need some excitement in my life really !!!

I'm a hero

http://www.tackfilm.se/en/?id=1259698566926RA24